The Council’s Ruling — Bedtime
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the ideal bedtime?
The council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by David and Djere:
Going to bed any time except when one is tired is not only an exercise in futility, but helps cement the clock’s stranglehold on our lives.
Erin offers this opinion, joined by Chloe:
Any time after a good story and a hot drink.
Mike offers this opinion:
10:15…because I can’t get up whenever I want.
Josh offers this opinion, joined by MC-B:
An 11 o’clock bedtime allows one to watch any primetime TV or enjoy some time out but still have a reasonable night’s sleep before a work day.
Connie offers this opinion:
11:30. Right after the news and weather. You’re up -to-date for tomorrow and ready to slumber.
Job offers this opinion, joined by Tom:
Midnight. A day seen dutifully through to its completion.
Djere offers this opinion, joined by Job:
Midnight. Nothing worth doing is worth doing if you have to get up before 8 a.m.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Erin:
My body says midnight, but my mind consistently says 1:30 am.
Next time: Who is the best author of all time?
The Council’s Ruling — Cartoons
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the greatest cartoon?
Djere delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Job, Connie, and MC-B:
The Simpsons. They’ve been on top for almost 20 years, have 23 Emmys, and the show was named Time Magazine’s best TV show of the 20th Century. D’oh!
Steve dissents, joined by Mike and Chloe:
The old school Looney Tunes with Bugs Bunny and friends. There’s no improving on that.
Erin dissents, joined by David:
The Animaniacs.
Mike dissents, joined by Erin:
The Flintstones effortlessly blended the early ’60s and the Stone Age!
Tom dissents:
Felix the cat. Drama. Adventure. Comedy. Love. All mixed with Deus Ex Machina anyone can get behind, the magic bag of tricks.
Josh dissents:
He-man and the Masters of the Universe. Super strength, secret identity, magic sword, pet tiger to ride, and an ongoing battle against arch-villain Skeletor.
Chloe dissents:
Jackie Chan Adventures – it’s remarkably quotable. And it’s Jackie Chan!
David dissents:
The Tick; it was hilariously funny.
Next time: What is the ideal bedtime?
The Council’s Ruling — Communication
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Which form of communication is superior?
Josh delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Erin, Connie, and MC-B:
Speech represents the absolute height of human achievement, allowing us to understand one another and express ourselves in great depth almost effortlessly.
Tom concurs, joined by Mike, Djere, and MC-B:
Speech is the oldest, the most versatile, and practical across vast distances.
Chloe dissents, joined by David and Steve:
I would write, because I’m in love with the layers of words and the way they interact and mix together like colors. Writing allows me to think about my words and be eloquent and precise in ways that speaking and other forms of communication don’t allow.
David dissents, joined by Steve:
I love expressing myself in writing because every word can be crafted and polished before being presented — not to hide my intentions, but to allow me the time and space to uncover them perfectly.
Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the greatest cartoon?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Valuable Sense
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Which sense is most valuable?
The Council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by Josh, Chloe, and Steve:
Touch. One can imagine and briefly experience life without the other senses, but without tactile sensations, your world may as well be imaginary.
Djere offers this opinion, joined by MC-B:
Sight — I could live without anything else.
MC-B offers this opinion:
Vision. It keeps me from being run over by buses and lets me read.
Job offers this opinion:
I can’t possibly see a life without sight.
David offers this opinion:
Sight — everything I love about creation is perceived mainly through sight.
Erin offers this opinion, joined by Connie:
Hearing. The nuances of sounds, music, conversation — so much is lost if you can’t hear.
Connie offers this opinion:
Hearing. Music moves me like nothing else, bringing me to laughter or tears. And while I would certainly miss my family’s faces, I think I could hold them in my memory. I could not live without their voices.
Mike offers this opinion:
Hearing. I could handle not seeing things, but not hearing things would totally cut me off from music, speech, etc.
Next time: If you could only communicate in one way, what would it be?
The Council’s Ruling — Strangest American Tradition
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is America’s strangest cultural tradition?
Tom delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Mike, Djere, and MC-B:
Line dancing. Invented, chiefly practiced, and (arguably) perfected here, but you have to ask yourself – what’s the point?
Connie dissents, joined by Erin and Job:
Halloween. If people actually knew the customs behind it, they’d probably be amazed, but they dress up their innocent little children and send them out into the dark every year to imitate a pagan ritual that they don’t even understand.
Chloe dissents, joined by Erin:
Therapy — you pay someone to listen to you talk, then teach you how to think entirely for yourself and not for anyone or anything else because the universe really does revolve around you. Did I mention you’re paying for this?
Steve dissents, joined by Josh andDavid:
The idolatry of fame as a goal. It makes sense that a nation with far less work to do would seek entertainment to fill the gap, but so many people are willing to humiliate themselves just to become well-known. Many cultures would consider this a supreme dishonor.
Next time: Which sense is most valuable?
The Council’s Ruling — Necessities of Life
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Which necessity of life is hardest to afford?
The Council issues the ruling of ‘gasoline,’ but was unable to agree on a rationale.
Connie offers this opinion, joined by Tom and Job:
Gasoline, because I fully believe the greedy American oil companies are taking us for a ride, at the expense of our economy and mental health.
Erin concurs in the judgment, joined by Chloe:
Gasoline. In order to work (to pay for life), a great many people depend on cars, public transportation, and other forms of transportation that use up gas. Not only is it expensive, it’s bad for the environment as well. If a person can’t get to work, she can’t pay for any other necessities, either.
David concurs in the judgment:
Gasoline — I spend at least 100 to 150 dollars per week just on gas.
Steve concurs in the judgment:
The cost of energy has tripled in the past decade. Horrible.
Mike dissents:
Housing — in many suburban areas, it far outpaces minimum (or even higher) wages.
Josh, Djere and MC-B played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is America’s strangest cultural tradition?
The Council’s Ruling — White Lies
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Is a ‘white lie’ always wrong?
The Council issues the ruling of ‘no,’ but was unable to agree on a rationale.
David offers this opinion, joined by Job and MC-B:
A ‘white lie’ is acceptable — keeping a birthday party a surprise, not compromising national security, not revealing the location of the last piece of cheesecake, etc.
Steve concurs in the judgment, joined by Connie:
No. An attempt to deceive should be judged in its context.
Tom concurs in the judgment:
There are times the consequence of a heartless truth outweighs that of a harmless lie.
Chloe concurs in the judgment:
No. White lies that spare another person (not yourself) from social embarrassment are simply an act of kindness.
Djere concurs in the judgment:
No. A lie is only a truth you haven’t yet come to understand fully.
Josh dissents:
I’ve never told one.
Erin dissents:
What part of ‘lie’ is right?
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Which necessity of life is hardest to afford?
The Council’s Ruling — Old Age
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — At what age is a person old?
Josh delivers the ruling of the council, joined by Chloe, Erin, Tom, and MC-B:
65. It’s time to retire, and it’s pretty impossible to still look young at that point.
MC-B concurs, joined by Connie and Djere:
With people living longer, one has to be at least 65 to be considered truly old and not just over the hill.
David dissents:
Everyone knows that you can’t trust anyone over 30. 40? 50? 60? Who cares? They’re just extensions of 30.
Job dissents:
50 is old and the age at which the reader of an obituary doesn’t wonder what caused the death.
Steve dissents:
70. Average life expectancy is 78 now, and these days, it’s only during the last 10% of your life that you’re truly old.
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Is a white lie always wrong?
The Council’s Ruling — Appliance
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Which kitchen appliance, besides the fridge, do we appreciate the most?
The Council delivers the ruling of microwave, although it was unable to agree on a rationale.
Josh offers this opinion, joined by Job and MC-B:
The microwave allows a hopeless bachelor to prepare actual hot food quickly enough to hit the window between when he first feels hungry (and thus bothers to begin any food preparation) and when his hunger pangs would inevitably overwhelm him (thus causing him to eat out, abandoning whatever was in a conventional oven).
Djere offers this opinion, joined by Chloe:
Over-the-range microwave oven — microwave, fan, light, clock, timer, instant popcorn maker…
David dissents, joined by Connie:
The coffee maker.
Erin dissents:
Mixer. An essential for virtually every recipe.
Steve dissents:
Hands down the dishwasher. It saves so much time and effort, and it gets dishes cleaner too.
Tom dissents:
The stove, the appliance closest to the primal ways of our forebears. Open flame anyone?
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: At what age is a person old?
The Council’s Ruling — State to Sell
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — If we had to sell a state to pay off the national debt, which should it be?
Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Chloe, Tom, David, and Djere:
Hawaii — it’d fetch a tremendous price, it wouldn’t give a foreign nation a foothold on our mainland, and it lacks Alaska’s tremendous resources.
Erin dissents, joined by Mike:
The entire Eastern Seaboard. It would bring the most yield and be least missed.
Connie dissents:
Arkansas — because they must be held responsible.
MC-B dissents:
California. Riddled with earthquakes and hippies, getting rid of it can only due us good. We’ll move Silicon Valley somewhere else.
Josh and Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Which kitchen appliance, besides the fridge, do we appreciate the most?
The Council’s Ruling — Christmas Decorations
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the latest day one should still have Christmas decorations up?
The Council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue.
Chloe offers this opinion, joined by MC-B:
January 7th. They’re wilting and old, and only make you look back when you should be looking forward.
MC-B offers this opinion, joined by Erin:
January 7th, a week or so after New Year’s.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by David:
That decision rests solely in the heart of a man, specifically in the part that allows him to weather his wife’s nagging.
Connie offers this opinion:
January 4.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Mike:
February 1. There’s no reason why Christmas decorations, if tastefully done, cannot enliven an otherwise bleak January.
Josh, Djere, and Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time (seriously this time): If we had to sell a state to pay off the national debt, which should it be?
The Council’s Ruling — American Food
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most quintessentially American food?
Mike delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Steve, Tom, MC-B, and Connie:
Hot dogs — fatty AND artificial!
Job dissents, joined by David and Djere:
Buffalo wings… Chicken isn’t new but the very flavor of Buffalo wings is so distinctly American, just the very thought can make my nose tingle.
Erin dissents, joined by Chloe:
Girl Scout cookies — you wait all year for them, buy enough to last the whole year, then eat them all in one sitting while watching American Idol.
Josh played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: If we had to sell a state to pay off the national debt, which should it be?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Dangerous Creature
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most dangerous animal or creature?
Erin delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by MC-B, Job, and David:
The mosquito. Malaria, dengue fever, encephalitis, West Nile anyone?
Tom dissents, joined by Connie and Djere:
Community-associated methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus. Flesh. Eating. Disease.
Steve dissents:
Cats. They reduce testosterone in men and have been known to turn ordinary women into crazy muttering plastic bag collectors.
Mike dissents:
Animal from the Muppets. WOMAN!!! WOMAN!!!
Chloe dissents:
The rat can travel anywhere, and carries with it diseases capable of decimating entire civilizations.
Josh played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next week: What is the most quintessentially American food?
The Council’s Ruling — The Christmas Season
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — When does the Christmas season begin?
Tom delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Erin, Connie, and Josh:
The day after Thanksgiving leaves a Yuletide window of about a month, plenty of time to reflect on the season and the joy of giving.
MC-B concurs in the result, joined by Mike:
The day after Thanksgiving when Black Friday kicks off the unnecessary consumerism characteristic of the modern Christmas spirit. Happy birthday, Jesus!
Steve dissents, joined by Djere and Chloe:
The Christmas season doesn’t truly start until two weeks prior; lights and trees go up and it all becomes real. Any earlier and you’re just fooling yourself.
David dissents:
November 1.
Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next week: What is the most dangerous animal/creature?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Influential American
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Who is the most influential American ever?
Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by David, MC-B, Connie, and Tom:
Abraham Lincoln had a deeper impact on our country than anyone else before him or since.
Chloe and Djere dissent:
Thomas Edison; the choice is as easy as screwing in a lightbulb, and significantly simpler than inventing one.
Erin dissents:
Sitting Bull. Dignity, posture, and an original American.
Job, Josh, and Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next week: When does the Christmas season officially start?
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