The Council’s Ruling — Most Pleasant Month of the Year
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most pleasant month of the year?
Tom delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Kaitlin and Steve:
May. Warm, but not scorching. Verdant, but not soaked.
Chloe concurs, joined by Steve:
May — finals are over, the weather is fine, and there’s plenty of time for reading in the grass, wading in the creek, and watching movies at the drive-in.
Djere concurs:
May 1-7 usually contain the first enjoyable week of spring while May 24-31 brings the first reliable taste of summer. College is done for the year and it’s a great time to be alive.
MC-B concurs:
May; the temperature is just right and the summer still lies ahead!
Erin dissents, joined by Connie and David:
October. The temperatures are perfect, no insane holiday rushes, beautiful fall colors, etc.
Mike dissents, joined by Josh:
September; sheer weather perfection.
Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the greatest wonder of the world?
The Council’s Ruling — Hardest-to-Understand Book of the Bible
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the hardest book of the Bible to understand?
Tom delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Steve, Chloe, and Kaitlin:
Revelation. Literal transcript? Allegorical warning? Largely symbolic anti-Roman tract?
Connie concurs, joined by David and MC-B:
Revelation — based on a vision filled with metaphors and symbols like baby-eating dragons, it needs another book of interpretation just to understand it.
MC-B concurs, joined by Erin:
Literally, it’s Revelation; at least with the other books of prophecy we largely have the benefit of hindsight.
Job concurs, joined by Connie:
Revelation always takes this title: a searing mix of literal and figurative that introduces theology not seen in the Bible until that last chapter.
Erin concurs:
Revelation — the sheer fact that we have no idea how John’s mind worked makes it difficult.
Mike joins this dissenting opinion:
Ezekiel. Don’t stone me for this, but was he crazy?
Josh and Djere played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the most pleasant month of the year?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Ridiculous Olympic Sport
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most ridiculous Olympic sport?
Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Connie, Chloe, and Job:
“Rhythmic Gymnastics is a sport that combines elements of ballet, gymnastics, theatrical dance, and apparatus manipulation.” I’m okay with all of that except the “sport” part.
Josh concurs in part, joined by Erin:
Anything that requires a panel of (crooked, biased, pretentious) judges to determine a winner.
MC-B dissents, joined by Kaitlin:
Curling — sliding rocks across ice while people sweep and scream (a lot).
Djere dissents:
“BMX” – Save it for the ‘X’ Games, kid.
Tom joins this dissenting opinion:
Korfball. Any sport whose main distinction is that it is designed “so that both men and women have equal opportunities” is by definition ridiculous.
David joins this dissenting opinion:
Shooting a rifle on skis seems pretty stupid to me.
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the most difficult book of the Bible to understand?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Useful Animal
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most useful animal?
Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Djere, Kaitlin, MC-B, and Josh:
The only animal eaten, drank, and worn all over the world — the placid, cud-chewing cow.
Djere concurs, joined by MC-B, and Job:
Bos taurus: the humble cow. The female is useful for milk, the male for work and meat. If man didn’t have steak, it would be the end of civilization.
Tom dissents, joined by Connie, Erin, and David:
The dog. Whether guiding the blind or guarding the sheep, pulling a sled or finding a bomb, dogs are our oldest, most faithful, and most useful companions.
Mike dissents, joined by David:
The horse — it’s entertainment! It’s transportation! It’s food!
Chloe joins this dissenting opinion:
The Passenger Pigeon is the most useful to mankind because it, and its subsequent diseases, are extinct.
Next time: What is the most ridiculous Olympic sport?
The Council’s Ruling — Ugliest Word
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the ugliest English word?
Steve delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Djere, David, Erin, and Connie:
Phlegm. It reads ugly, it sounds ugly, it simply embodies ugly.
MC-B offers this opinion, joined by Tom and Mike:
Gnash. Doesn’t sound too bad, but when written, it’s easily twice as unpleasant as it sounds.
Chloe offers this opinion, joined by Job:
Diarrhea — you cannot say it without flinching.
Kaitlin offers this opinion:
Ugly. Nothing is uglier than ugly.
Josh played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the most useful animal?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Annoying Song
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the most annoying song?
The Council was unable to agree on a majority opinion.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by Kaitlin and Mike:
“Who Let the Dogs Out?” Not only obnoxious aurally, the important existential question is never resolved.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Chloe and MC-B:
Anything — at all — screamed. Any song sung cannot possibly be as annoying as a song screamed, especially if it also involves pounding bass and drums.
Erin offers this opinion, joined by Chloe:
“Since You Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson. No explanation needed.
David offers this opinion, joined by MC-B:
Donny and Marie Osmond singing, “Little Bit Country/Little Bit Rock and Roll,” for obvious aesthetic reasons.
Josh offers this opinion, joined by Connie:
“The Song That Doesn’t End.” It doesn’t end.
Job offers this opinion:
“Friends Forever” by Vitamin C. Annoying in its naivete and that the general public can’t see it.
Djere offers this opinion:
“It’s A Small World.” Because it never ends, and it’s just not true.
Next time: What is the ugliest English word?
The Council’s Ruling — House Color
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What is the worst color to paint a house?
The Council was unable to agree on a majority opinion.
Kaitlin offers this opinion, joined by Erin, David, and MC-B:
Deep purple: the least naturally occurring color in the rainbow. As houses are elements of the landscape, they should blend or at least complement their surroundings.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Tom and Connie:
Super-bright yellow. You might think it’s cheery at first, but wait until the second week. It’ll sap your will to live.
David offers this opinion, joined by Chloe and Job:
Camo, because then you might not be able to find it again.
Chloe offers this opinion, joined by Job:
Black, because it gets too hot. Also, it’s emo.
Josh offers this opinion:
Black. Any other ridiculous color will at least make you look like the happy sort of crazy.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by Djere:
Pink. Easy to mar with dark and light stains alike, and hard on the neighbors’ eyes.
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the most annoying song?
The Council’s Ruling — Graffiti
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Is graffiti art?
The Council issues the ruling of “Yes,” but was unable to agree on a rationale.
Josh offers this opinion, joined by Chloe:
Absolutely. Like all art, it is an expression of an individual, there is skill and technique involved, and there are good and bad examples. Like much art, it also happens to be subversive.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Job:
Yes, illegal or not, but only insofar as it embodies creativity.
Chloe offers this opinion, joined by Erin:
Yes — one word, Banksy.
MC-B joins this opinion:
Yes – just not usually legal.
Josh and David join this opinion:
Graffiti is one of the truest forms of art. Anonymous (mostly) it signifies angst, passion, love and anger in a setting open to all viewers and with the artist not receiving, or expecting, any compensation.
Connie offers this opinion, joined by Tom, and Kaitlin:
Like anything, it must evaluated piece by piece. Some is absolutely art, one look will convince anyone — but some is absolute trash.
Djere offers this opinion, joined by Kaitlin:
It depends. Graffiti as vandalism is not art, it’s a nuisance and a crime. Graffiti, given the proper permission, can be beautiful, thought-provoking, and inventive.
Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the worst color to paint a house?
The Council’s Ruling — Santa Claus
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — What should you tell your children about Santa Claus?
Kaitlin delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Djere, David, and Steve:
That he does not exist. He should be treated like any other fictional character.
David concurs, joined by Tom and Connie:
Treat him as make-believe; when your children learn the truth at some point, they may assume you made up the stuff about Jesus too.
Job dissents, joined by Chloe:
I will tell my kids Santa Claus exists because his essence is one of the few things most Americans have as a shared identity.
Erin dissents:
Go ahead and let them believe for a few years. They’ll get over the moment of truth.
Josh dissents:
He’s a great example of why you shouldn’t eat too many cookies, unless you want a jiggly belly.
MC-B and Mike played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Is graffiti art?
The Council’s Ruling — Time Machine
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Where and when would be your first destination in a time machine?
The council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue, although a plurality would travel to the past.
Josh offers this opinion, joined by Job:
The year 2000. I hear they’re going to have flying cars and everything.
Mike offers this opinion, joined by Erin:
To see my parents just before I was born. Haven’t you ever been curious what your parents were like before you came along?
Chloe offers this opinion, joined by David:
I would return to the Grecian Gold Age, where there were democratic city-states, which is the best form of government. And I would hang out with Aristotle.
David offers this opinion, joined by Tom:
San Francisco area in California, 1847. Only I wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell everyone, “Hey! There’s gold over here!”
Kaitlin offers this opinion, joined by Steve:
A few decades into the future — it would be nice to know what’s going to happen, since I spend an awful lot of time trying to figure it out.
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Kaitlin:
The original Resurrection Sunday. Seeing Him first would hopefully keep me from using it for mischief.
Djere offers this opinion:
If I had a time machine, it wouldn’t matter where I went first. I would be everywhere at the same time.
Erin offers this opinion:
Ancient Egypt, during the reign of Hatshepsut . . . because of the fascinating culture, architecture, and people.
Connie offers this opinion:
It’s too much power for me. No thanks.
MC-B played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What should you tell your children about Santa Claus?
The Council’s Ruling — Relationship Age
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — At what age should a child be permitted to pursue a romantic relationship?
The council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue.
Kaitlin offers this opinion, joined by David and Erin:
No earlier than 16, and even that is probably too young. High schoolers are not at the stage of cognitive development that would allow them to make beneficial decisions in such a volatile area of their lives; even college students, more often than not, can’t approach relationships wisely.
Djere offers this opinion, joined by Kaitlin:
Upon being graduated from college. Because you’re going to feel pretty silly wasting all those perfectly good tears on fling after pointless fling, high schoolers…
Steve offers this opinion, joined by Josh:
Write all the notes you want from seventh grade on, but you ain’t touchin’ each other till at least age 17.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by Djere:
16 for boys. A girl should never ‘pursue’ a romantic relationship.
MC-B offers this opinion, joined by Connie:
18 with parent’s permission, independence without it. One needs to get his/her own house in order before messing around in anyone else’s.
Mike offers this opinion:
Any age — because you need to learn how to get hurt and bounce back.
Chloe offers this opinion:
30 — that’s when they start dying, which means that’s when they start making responsible decisions.
Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Where and when would be your first destination in a time machine?
The Council’s Ruling — Most Manlike Animal
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Which animal is most similar to man?
Tom delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Djere, MC-B, Kaitlin and Connie:
The chimpanzee combines a 94% identical genome with the ability to fashion and use tools, a sophisticated social structure and an expansive ability to communicate among its kind and with ours.
David dissents, joined by Steve and Erin:
Dogs. They go through life clueless and depending on the kindness of a greater power — but as soon as that power turns his back, they tear up the trash, escape from the yard, and run wild.
Erin dissents, joined by David:
Dogs, because we’re both messy, stupid, and love company.
Steve dissents, joined by Mike:
Only the cat combines senseless (often violent) behavior with a limitless superiority complex.
Chloe dissents, joined by Mike:
Sloths. Slow. Bored. Boring. Stinky. Freaky-odd.
Josh dissents:
I was going to say “woman” to be funny, until I remembered that they’re nothing like us, so let’s go with armadillo.
Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: At what age should a child be permitted to pursue a romantic relationship?
The Council’s Ruling — Our Next President
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Who will be the next president of the United States?
The council was unable to reach a majority ruling on this issue.
Djere offers this opinion, joined by Chloe and Josh:
No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.
MC-B offers this opinion, joined by Connie:
John McCain; neither potential Democratic candidate can match his experience or his appeal to undecideds, and even the unenthusiastic conservative base will turn out just to prevent the other guy from winning.
Tom offers this opinion, joined by Djere:
John McCain. Hell hath no fury like a woman run-against-in-a-primary, and, harpy-like, she will irretrievably rend Obama’s chances of election.
Steve offers this opinion:
Self-styled prophet of doom Al Gore will sweep in to unite the fractured Democratic party this summer, then outflank a tired John McCain this fall. Woe! Calamity! Horror!
David offers this opinion:
Hillary Clinton — for the reasons in my article.
Erin offers this opinion:
Jesus. Because, let’s face it, he’s the only one who can do the job.
Kaitlin, Mike, and Job played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Which animal is most similar to humans?
The Council’s Ruling — Overrated Band
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Who is the most overrated band of all time?
Steve delivers the opinion of the Council, joined by Djere, Josh, and David:
The Beatles. They were incredibly influential, but this influence FAR outstripped their talent. Their singing voices were poor and their lyrics were either insipid pablum or drug-crazed nonsense.
David concurs, joined by MC-B:
The Beatles-They were a product of their age and rode the wave.
Mike dissents, joined by Chloe:
U2. I just don’t get it. There’s some good stuff, no doubt, but I just don’t get most of it.
Connie dissents:
Bob Dylan. HE SIMPLY CANNOT SING!!!!
Erin dissents:
N’Sync. Just face it, people, the boy band was the worst musical catastrophe ever.
Job dissents:
The Ramones. A socially awkward band tethered to a few chords, they have seemingly come to embody teen angst through no effort of their own.
Tom joins this dissenting opinion:
Green Day. From their faux-punk eyelinker to their faux-intellectual lyrics, they are the true “American Idiots.”
Kaitlin played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: Who will be the next president of the United States?
The Council’s Ruling — Authors
This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.
This week’s question — Who is the best author of all time?
Djere delivers the opinion of the Council, joined by Connie, Steve, Josh, and MC-B:
C.S. Lewis — his worlds and interests are many, vast, and diverse. His plots and characters are convincing. His fiction engaging, his nonfiction convicting.
Tom concurs, joined by David, and MC-B:
C.S. Lewis — an engaging yet convicting body of work with individual pieces suitable to any level of sophistication.
Mike dissents, joined by Erin:
Henri Nouwen. Such amazing insights and such a humble spirit.
Job dissents:
James Michener. A man totally devoted to the task, he never spent a day without traveling, learning about and then writing about this globe.
Chloe dissents:
T.S. Eliot. His intricate and masterful poetry presents new layers of powerful imagery and cultural truth with each and every reading.
Erin dissents:
Frank Herbert. Amazing, creative, poetic, intuitive.
Kaitlin played no part in the determination of this issue.
Next time: What is the most overrated band?
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