Joke of the Day, 8/14/08

08/14/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

Joke of the Day, 8/12/08

08/12/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A cop pulled a guy over one night and said, “Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer.”

“I can’t do that,” he said. “I’m an asthmatic and it’ll give me an asthma attack.”

“Okay, then you need to come down to the station and have some blood drawn.”

“Nah, I can’t do that either; I’m a hemophiliac and I’d bleed to death.”

“Then I need a urine sample.”

“Well, I’m a diabetic, so my sugar would get really low and that’s dangerous.”

“Okay — then you need to step out of the car and walk down this white line.”

“I can’t do that either,” the man said.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

Joke of the Day, 8/7/08

08/7/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A man named Bob decided to move out to the country and become a chicken farmer. So he bought a chicken farm, next door to another chicken farm, owned by a generous man named Fred.

Fred visited Bob one day and said, “Chicken farming ain\’t easy. Tell you what: to help you get started, I\’ll give you 100 chickens.”

Bob was thrilled. But two weeks later, Fred stopped by to see how things were going, and Bob said, “Not so good. All 100 chickens died.”

Fred said, “Oh, no! I\’ll give you 100 more.”

Another two weeks went by, and Fred stopped in again. Bob told him, “You\’re not going to believe this, but those chickens died too.”

Astounded, Fred asked, “What went wrong?”

“Well, I\’m just not sure if I\’m planting them too deep, or not far apart enough.”

Joke of the Day, 8/5/08

08/5/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

The human cannonball decided to retire. The circus owner said, “But you can’t! Where will I find another man of your caliber?”

Joke of the Day, 7/31/08

07/31/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Why can’t gorillas play the trumpet?

They’re too sensitive.

Joke of the Day, 7/29/08

07/29/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink until the room spins.

Joke of the Day, 7/25/08

07/25/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

“I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon, but I want to stay alive.” — Madonna

Joke of the Day, 7/23/08

07/23/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.

Joke of the Day, 7/21/08

07/21/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A van filled with politicians was headed down a country road when it careered out of control and crashed into a tree. A farmer plowing his field saw the accident and came over to investigate.

Three days later, the sheriff came by, saw what was left of the van, and asked the farmer what had happened to the politicians. “I buried them,” he replied.

“They were all dead?”

“Well, some of ’em said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Joke of the Day, 7/17/08

07/17/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

How many members of the Obama household does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What light bulbs? The house is illumined by the light of his countenance.

Joke of the Day, 7/15/08

07/15/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A man was sprawled across three seats in a theater. The usher noticed and whispered, “Sorry, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned, but didn’t budge.

The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up, I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Again, the man just groaned. Infuriated, the usher turned and marched briskly up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both returned and stood over the man. When the manager also could not get the man to move, they summoned a nearby police officer.

“All right, buddy,” the cop said. “What’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?” the cop asked.

“The balcony.”

Joke of the Day, 7/11/08

07/11/2008, 2:11 pm -- by Bweinh | No Comments

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

Joke of the Day, 7/9/08

07/9/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | 1 Comment

Two men, Jed and Chuck, are sitting on the side of a highway. Jed turns to Chuck and says, “I know everybody.” Chuck shakes his head. “Everybody? I bet you don’t know Tom Cruise.” Jed shrugs. “I know Tom Cruise.”

So they drive to L.A. and find Tom Cruise’s mansion. They knock on the door, Tom Cruise answers, and he says, “Jed, my man! What is cookin’?” Chuck is stunned. As they walk away, Chuck asks, “Well, do you know the President?” Jed smiles. “Oh, I know the President.”

So they drive to D.C. and find the White House. They knock on the door, the President comes over, and he says, “Ol’ Jeddie! I’ve been thinkin’ about you lately! Let’s hang out!” At this point, Chuck is bewildered. After thinking for a while, he finally comes up with a man Jed wouldn’t know.

“Jed, you don’t know the Pope, do you?”

“Chuck, the Pope and I are bosom buddies. We go way back.”

So they fly to Rome and head into the Vatican City. While wandering around the square, they get separated, and Chuck hears a ruckus off to his left. He looks up and sees the Pope on his porch, with Jed at his right hand, holding his scepter. Both men are smiling widely and gesturing to the growing crowd.

Suddenly a man taps on Chuck’s shoulder. “Do you speak English?”

“Yes,” Chuck responds.

“Who’s that old guy up there with Jed?”

Joke of the Day, 7/7/08

07/7/2008, 7:00 am -- by Bweinh | No Comments

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster — may I replace him?”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied. “The henhouse is around back.”