Bweinh! Goes to the Movies — The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

03/12/2008, 10:00 am -- by | 3 Comments

The screen is blurry, and I blink several times to clear my eyes. No, still blurry. I blink again. So does the screen. A little better. There are shapes moving about now. The screen blinks again and the shapes become people. It wasn’t my eyes.

“The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” is the story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor of French Elle, who suffered a stroke at the age of 43 and lived the remaining two years of his life locked inside his paralyzed body. The opening scene is a rendering of Bauby waking from the coma and learning that he has locked-in syndrome — he cannot speak, he cannot move, and he cannot communicate at all, despite his fully conscious and capable state.

But Bauby is a remarkable person, and so he does not only spend his last years longing for his past life and the release of death. Though he cannot speak, Bauby can blink his left eye. Therefore, his speech therapist devises a simple yes-no blinking system, then goes on to develop a list of French letters organized from the most common (e) to the least (w). She recites this list to Bauby until he blinks, thus enabling him to slowly spell out words and communicate with people. In this way, Bauby writes a book: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, an abstract personal narrative on which the film is loosely based. The final manuscript is strong and pristine, every word’s worth and work weighed by hours of solitude and stagnancy.

Throughout the film, the director parallels Bauby’s current life with his past life — being trapped inside his body as an invalid, juxtaposed with his life filled with supermodels and lovers and the mother of his children, who stays by him to the end, but whom he continuously reminds us is not his wife. There are scenes where, in flashbacks, he sneers at the invalids in holy places hoping for a miracle, and scenes where he is the invalid being wheeled toward the blessed springs. There are scenes where he plays with his three children and jokes obscenely with his teenage son, and scenes where they play around him, incapable of playing with him.

The film enables the audience to live life through the eyes of someone with locked-in syndrome. We experience Bauby’s muteness, humiliation, and helplessness alongside him. We feel trapped and frustrated and suffocated as he does. And when the movie ends we release our breath, unaware that we were holding it the whole time, dreading with Bauby the end.

Quote of the Day, 3/12/08

03/12/2008, 7:00 am -- by | 3 Comments

“All seem to have a part of truth and a part of error and each espies the error of others and fails to see his own. May God in his mercy enable us without obstinacy to perceive our errors.” — M. Servetus

Southern Baptists Identify Seven New Sins of Their Own

03/11/2008, 3:00 pm -- by | 3 Comments

–ATLANTA, Ga.

Responding to the recent announcement by the Catholic Church of seven brand new sins, the Southern Baptist Convention today announced their own list of “Sins For A New Millennium.”

“All who share in the fellowship of believers are called to communion together,” said Dr. Frank S. Page, president of the SBC since 2006.

“The Southern Baptist church is willing to consider all divinely inspired ideas, even those originally espoused by unholy, fallen servants of the blood-stained Whore of Babylon.”

The two lists share a few sins in common — namely, abortion, contraception, and “pollution,” which many prominent Southern Baptists have recently decried in attacks on climate change skepticism.

The other items on the Southern Baptist list, however, may prove more divisive, as they include “speaking in tongues,” “being poor,” “liking Mary a little too much,” and “science.”

Bweinh! Goes to the Movies: 10,000 BC

03/11/2008, 10:30 am -- by | No Comments

I knew a girl like 10,000 BC once. An entity of enthralling beauty and delicately constructed features, but once I discovered how shallow and plotless she truly was, I came to resent the effort spent on her charms. As such is this movie, a libation poured out on the ground of cinema.

To be sure, the fanboys will have something to text each other about. The graphics are state-of-the-art, at times truly captivating, and there’s enough gore to sate the bloodlust of any desensitized young American man. The cinematography was beautifully captured, and it covered the entire earthscape, from snowy hillsides to dry deserts. But — I say again — I was just appalled that so much effort could be expended to provide this beautiful vehicle of a motion picture, then occupy it with a little runt of a story.

To call it formulaic would give it too much credit. Missed opportunities to force myself to become emotionally invested in characters were all too frequently evident, and the script smacked of having been written in an afternoon. Enthralling CGI manifestations like the saber-toothed tiger were sadly, sorely wasted, and the timeline of technological advances was irritatingly incongruous.

The film is rumored to have cost more that $100 million to produce, which is remarkable for a flick that doesn’t boast one A-list actor. You can clearly see where the money was spent. Please note it wasn’t on acting talent.

The movie has no swearing (of the anno domini variety at least), and despite the loincloth era setting, there was practically no nudity. Also, while numbing, the story is also harmless, and does achieve its thinly stated goal of proving that men can’t be gods. If you don’t mind horribly warping your kids’ sense of history and Egyptian architecture, this could be an easy way to kill a night at the movies.

But as this wannabe epic wound down, and the remaining cents of my $8 gasped their last, I just wanted more. I didn’t want to have any points driven home, and I didn’t want to feel educated about culture and earthly history. I simply wanted to be entertained. I frankly expected this, from the director of Independence Day: more of the ridiculous, yet thrilling, variety of film that doesn’t last much longer than the parking lot, but makes your popcorn taste better in the theatre.

I’m not hard to please, but this film was resoundingly poor, ill-conceived, and executed with only the vaguest of intentions. While it wanted to appear as a revolution in modern film-making, believe me — there was no wheel invented here.

1913 Ad of the Day — Protone

03/11/2008, 1:00 am -- by | 1 Comment

We’re trying something new here in our second year: replacing the jokes (at least sometimes) with real live (funny) advertisements from 1913! If it’s jokes you want, we have a year’s worth here and here!
 
 

Life in 1913 was rough.

Richard Nixon had just been born.

World War I was on the horizon.

And unlike today, nerdy guys like you and me were actually getting pushed around at the beach, in the office, and even inside our own homes.

Just look at that poor guy. Let’s call him Millard. Lines on his face, shoulders slumped, eyebrows bushy and furrowed — without computers and the Internet to rely on for a social life and a source of badly-needed superiority, the desperation and despair is etched on his soul. He needed help. And so he turned — to pseudoscience.
 

There’s something vaguely Frankenstein-esque about this product. A “remarkable flesh builder,” eager to “prove what it will do”? With a name like PROTONe, I have visions of nano-robots or radioactive mutagen. But then again, this was 1913, when such things were still okay, before the FDA banned everything fun in the name of the Freemasons!

And besides, our friend Millard was desperate.

And lo and behold — the stuff, it works! Two months pass, and he’s had to buy a whole new suit, his nose has lost its hook, and he just can’t keep his hands off himself!

And who could blame him?! Rrrroowwrrr! Millard is smokin’! And probably literally, because everyone did then! Even children!

Perhaps the caption on the comparison picture says it best: “Protone Will Make You Nice and Plump.” There’s a slogan I’d like to see return. Along with their free booklet of “astonishing facts” — “Why You Are Thin.”

You can take a look at the entire advertisement here. Millard’s old legs MUST be seen to be believed.

Note: In a fascinating history of patent medicine, the Animating Apothecary identifies the source of Pantone as Professor James Kellogg, known for sending an extra month’s supply of the product to those who ordered, along with a bill for $5. He later sought a divorce from his fourth wife, but the judge, finding both parties at fault, actually required them to remain married for two more years.

The Council’s Ruling — Communication

03/10/2008, 12:00 pm -- by | No Comments

This and every Monday, the Bweinh!tributors, having convened in secret for hours of reasoned debate and consideration, will issue a brief and binding ruling on an issue of great societal import.

This week’s question — Which form of communication is superior?

Josh delivers the ruling of the Council, joined by Erin, Connie, and MC-B:

Speech represents the absolute height of human achievement, allowing us to understand one another and express ourselves in great depth almost effortlessly.

 

Tom concurs, joined by Mike, Djere, and MC-B:

Speech is the oldest, the most versatile, and practical across vast distances.

 

Chloe dissents, joined by David and Steve:

I would write, because I’m in love with the layers of words and the way they interact and mix together like colors. Writing allows me to think about my words and be eloquent and precise in ways that speaking and other forms of communication don’t allow.

 

David dissents, joined by Steve:

I love expressing myself in writing because every word can be crafted and polished before being presented — not to hide my intentions, but to allow me the time and space to uncover them perfectly.

 

Job played no part in the determination of this issue.

Next time: What is the greatest cartoon?

A “Baptismal love letter”

03/10/2008, 12:00 pm -- by | 8 Comments

A priest whose blog I read writes “baptismal love letters” to the infants she baptizes and posts them on her blog. (FYI: her blog is here, and those of you who think I’m liberal should read this lady.)

Anyway, I’ll be doing a baptism Sunday for three of our young people, and here’s my letter to them, which will be featured in our bulletin on Sunday. Hope it is meaningful for you too.

Tyler, Melissa and Patrick,

Today you join a ragged band. As you are baptized, I am mindful that Christians have not always lived up to their baptismal vows. Too often, we have been indifferent to truth and to love; too often, we have pursued our own agendas instead of “following Christ in word and deed throughout our lives.”

And yet, here you are. Splendid, youthful, and each of you beautiful. Each of you with God’s Spirit living in you, refracting differently through each of your hearts and personalities. Each of you is a shining testimony: that despite our shortcomings as Christians, God’s Spirit is still active and touching hearts through His church today. Somehow, sometimes despite His people, God still works! Each of you is proof of this.

Today, as you are baptized, the old heads will sigh and cry, and you will be hugged and cheered and loved. But if we are careful, we might forget (and even you might forget) why we cry great tears of joy. We cry, not because you are so young and full of possibility (though you are).

We cry because despite it all, God is still good. We cheer you because you are the most recent evidence that God is still active.

My prayer for you is that you reflect this truth your whole life long. May it not be just for a day when you are young, but throughout your whole lives, may God’s purposes and love be seen in your life. As you grow up and grow old, may you be the hands and feet of Christ, bringing hope and joy to a dangerous world.

~ In Christ’s love, Pastor Mike

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Rooms of a House

03/10/2008, 10:00 am -- by | 4 Comments

Today’s Ask Bweinh! poll is made possible by antibiotics! Saving our lives in the 20th century; ending them in the 21st!

Here are the tip-top rooms in a house!

Rank Room Points
1. Living Room 21
2. Kitchen 19
3-4 (tie) Library; Bedroom 14
5. Screened-in porch 9
6-7 (tie) Den; Bathroom 7
8. Sunroom 5
9. Family Room 3
10-11 (tie) Office; Dining Room 2
Other “Anything with a window seat”; Foyer 1

 

Quote of the Day, 3/10/08

03/10/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

“[St. Francis] no longer worried, not because he was a naive optimist, but because he had become in prayer and penance a realist who saw the unimportance of everything but God, and in God and with Him and through Him, the importance of everything.” — Fr. M. Bodo

Best of Tom — Being “Individual”

03/8/2008, 5:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Originally published March 7, 2007.

It’s only fitting how the concept of individuality can take such different forms in different people. You can claim your style of dress sets you apart, or your taste in music, the sports you like to watch, the sports you like to play — even the sports you like to dislike. Political party affiliations or opinions, hair and make-up style, or views on any philosophical idea can be expanded to become, in one’s mind, the trait that sets self apart from other.

The idea of individuality’s “forms” came to me while I mused over the meaning of a recent dream. I briefly considered using a “meaning of dreams” Google search to find a “professional’s” opinion of what my dream meant, but quickly pooh-poohed the idea. Knowing as I do that dream “interpreters” will, like psychics, psychologists or actuaries, keep their ideas as general as possible, I felt it futile to even bother looking. Then it occurred to me that an idea applied to everyone can still be applied to me. Just because something is a mirror in which anyone can see his reflection does not mean he can’t use that image to spot the crumbs in his beard.

For years, our culture has loudly and superficially valued uniqueness as one of the most admirable character qualities, while subtly rewarding those who maintain the status quo. The subculture as a concept exists to allow a piece of society to swallow one person’s view of his own uniqueness, rendering him as much a sheep as any other member of society. By clinging to their superficial individuality, these people become even more seamlessly integrated with their fellows.

A more realistic way of looking at things would be to acknowledge the fact that any and every aspect of your life is duplicated almost exactly in countless other people. There’s no need to resign yourself to this fact, because the sum of these disparate aspects is certainly unique. Focus on doing things you enjoy, follow trends if that’s what you want, and accept that your horoscope was spot on – you did meet someone and gave them a second chance to make a first impression, and they turned out to be a totally cool person!

Just don’t dye your hair, clothes and taste in music black, and think it makes your sheep black too.

The Best of the Jokes (December through February)

03/8/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

December 10, 2007: After her son fell in the pond again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, “Are you out there wetting your pants again!?”

There was dead silence for a moment, and then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly — “No, ma’am, just reading the meter.”

—

December 20, 2007: A man went to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.

“Hmm,” said the doctor. “That’s strange.”

The man replied, “I know! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”

—

January 18, 2008: A woman went into the dentist’s office and said, “I think I’d just as soon have a baby as get my tooth pulled.”

The dentist replied, “Make up your mind — I’ll have to adjust the chair.”

—

February 7, 2008: A Texan walked into a pub in Ireland and said, “I hear you Irish like to drink. I bet you 500 American dollars that no one in here can drink ten pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room grew silent, and no one took the offer. One man even left.

30 minutes later, the guy who left comes back and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your offer still good?”

The Texan nods and the bartender lines up 10 pints. Immediately the Irishman tears into them, downing one after another after another as the patrons cheer. In a few minutes, all were empty, and the others in the bar cheered as the Texan sat amazed. Handing the Irishman $500, he said, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replied, “Oh, I just went to the pub down the street to see if I could really do it.”

Best of Bweinh! — Hot v. Cold

03/7/2008, 7:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Originally published June 26, 2007.

In this corner, preferring cooler weather, is Steve!

 And in this corner, preferring hotter weather, is Chloe!

Today, Syracuse will swelter. It’s the hottest day of the year. The high will be 95; combined with tropical humidity, this will make it nearly unbearable outside. Last week, I spent 7 days in New Mexico, Satan’s sauna, where highs reached triple digits every day.

What a perfect time to extol the joys of cooler weather!

I’ve worked outside in temperatures that ranged from 25 below to 95 above, and I’ll take the colder end anytime. Most of the worst jobs in America face extreme heat, including cowboys, ironworkers, longshoremen and roofers. Horses and hot tar don’t give you a 6-hour break at high noon!

It’s true people are more comfortable in warm-weather attire, but let’s think about extremes. If you’re too cold, you can always put on warmer clothing, or more of it. But when it’s hot outside, there’s a pretty strict legal limit on how high you can, uh, let your freak flag fly. Even if you can get nekkid, there’s no guarantee that unfortunate decision will cool you down enough to be comfortable.

Plus they say freezing to death is one of the least objectionable ways to die. Your extremities slowly go numb, which sounds like bliss compared to the searing pain of heatstroke pounding your head into seizure, hallucination and coma.

Maybe the best reason to like cold weather is its effect on relationships. When it’s hot like today, unless you’re submerged in a body of water, you don’t want to be near anyone. Tempers shorten, fuses blow, and even a platonic hug exchanges more fluid than a blood transfusion.

But not only do you want to be around other people when it’s cold, it’s practically necessary to conserve heat! Cuddling up on the couch with someone special isn’t an unpleasant, sweaty chore like in July — in the winter, it keeps up both morale and body temperature.

Hot weather is for individuals — sweaty, uncomfortable, and alone — but cool weather? Cool weather brings us together.

Imagine yourself, eight years old, waking up one morning and noticing the air is unusually crisp and muted. As you tumble out of bed, heart racing, breath quickening, you know that — yes, out the window — SNOW!

You run screaming down the hall, smack into your mother’s knees. “Not without these!,” she chirps, pointing to the mountain of snow gear she will soon inflict on your person.

By the time she finishes protecting your cute little extremities from frostbite, you have to pee, you couldn’t play in the snow if your life depended on it (or get up if you fell down), and the radio has announced the roads are plowed, so school is not canceled.

This would not happen if it were hot. For one thing, you can easily move in the attire required for a hot day, which is next to nothing. More importantly, school can’t be canceled in the heat because there is no school! That means days filled with tans, swimming pools, water fights, picnics, sports, and siestas.

Oh, yes, siestas. It’s a physical impossibility to work when it’s 105 degrees out, ladies and gentlemen. That means you quit at 1:00 and don’t start up again until 6:00, if at all!

Still not convinced? Let’s not forget these other important points:

— Ice will kill you on the road. Hot asphalt will not, unless you’re stupid and walk barefoot on it, and then it’s your own fault.

— Heat makes all the scary things go away, like snakes, big things with teeth, and children.

— Heat stroke is temporary, but another good reason not to work. Frostbite is forever, like diamonds, but without the jewel or the finger to put it on.

— Water parks, ice cream, barbecues, parades. Have you ever tried to have a parade in below-zero weather?

If you still prefer the cold, I’ll pull the patriotic card. As Americans, we stand for liberty, and if shorts, tank tops and flip flops aren’t liberating, I don’t know what is. Certainly not your snow pants.

{democracy:70}

Best of David — Blessed is He . . .

03/7/2008, 4:00 pm -- by | No Comments

Originally published October 19, 2007.

These words appear in red, sent by Jesus in a message to John the Baptist as he lay in prison. John appeared to be faltering in his belief in Jesus as the Messiah. In their initial meeting, there were no doubts; in fact, he leapt for joy in the womb.

At the next meeting, he saw the Spirit descend on Jesus like a dove, and proclaimed, “Behold the lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world.” But after some time in prison, he sent a message saying, “Are you the one that should come, or do we look for another?”

Why would John doubt Jesus? Perhaps if you were in prison and the Great Deliverer, the Messiah, the Coming King — who happened to be your cousin — showed up, but you wound up in prison while His ministry grew so phenomenally that even there you hear reports about His fame, you might have some doubts yourself. You might expect a rescue or a pardon.

Have you truly never let your expectations about who Jesus is, and what He came to do, cloud your perceptions of life? I know I have. I want my bills paid on time. I want a clear path in life, with universally recognized milestones of achievement, so that anyone who looks at me can say, “Surely God is with him!” Instead I get the path that fits His plan, His timetable. His idea of success.

Can God waste your life the way He wasted John’s? Can He allow you to take a stand for righteousness that costs you everything? Your ministry? Your freedom? Your friends and family?

Can He leave you dangling at the cruel end of a young girl’s whims?

“What would you like, my little darling, for this dance that pleases a King?”

“The head of John the Baptist on a platter, thank you.”

Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins, but why did John die again? To please an angry woman and a cruel child? I can’t think of a death more senseless, in all the annals of world history. Some have perhaps been as cruel and senseless, but certainly none were worse. He died because a woman was angry, because a young girl danced to please a king, too embarrassed to go back on his promise to give her whatever she asked for, up to half his kingdom. So capricious, so arbitrary.

Can God waste your life in such a seemingly senseless death? Or can He, perhaps, even waste it by the monotonous squandering of your time and energy on things that seem to have no bearing on the eternal? Things that don’t match your expectation of why He came, and what your part is in all this?

Be careful, and remember — “Blessed is he, whosoever is not offended in Me.”

Best of Josh — The Newest American Hero

03/7/2008, 11:00 am -- by | No Comments

Originally published July 6, 2007.

This year, for the first time, I watched the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Contest. It wasn’t so much an intentional decision as it was happenstance — I turned on the TV just as it was coming on.

I already knew some of the backstory leading up to the event. Kobayashi, the longtime Japanese champion of the event (by large margins, for several years running) was being challenged by American Joey Chestnut, who had broken the world record in another contest a few weeks back. News then leaked of a Kobayashi jaw injury and possible withdrawal, leading many to wonder if he was ducking competition or preparing excuses. Kobayashi apparently then had acupuncture and showed up ready to compete.

As the event began and these two men raced to a lead on the rest of the field at a record-setting pace, I had a hard time watching. I’m a bit squeamish by nature and the contortions of the human body necessary to consume a hot dog and bun every eleven seconds are perverse to observe. At the same time it was riveting — I couldn’t stop watching.

I focused mainly on the graphic that continually updated the score, averting my eyes from a direct view of such significant self-abuse. After what seemed like an interminable period of forced gluttony, Chestnut had built a lead of five hotdogs and seemed to be in control. Then I looked at the clock and saw there were more than eight minutes remaining. Twelve minutes is a long time to eat without stopping.

The drama built until, with less than a minute left, Kobayashi had come back to tie, and the two men matched each other dog for horrible dog. But then, in the closing seconds, Kobayashi suffered a “reversal.” I’ll spare you too many details, but must mention that this great competitor continued to try to reverse this reversal, even after the bell had sounded and spitting seemed a far more desirable option. After the judges consulted instant replay — I almost wish I was kidding — Kobayashi was given a small penalty and Chestnut was officially victorious, 66 to 63. Both men shattered the previous contest record of 53½, as well as the former world record of 59½.

But perhaps the best part of the entire spectacle was the announcing. Regarding Joey Chestnut, one announcer remarked, “You Google ‘American hero’ tomorrow, you’re going to get Abe Lincoln, possibly Neil Armstrong, Taylor Hicks, and of course this man — Joey Chestnut.”

That’s right. American heroes — the man some consider the greatest American president, the first man on the moon, the American Idol winner from two seasons ago, and a guy with great control of his upper abdominal muscles. That about covers it. (Incidentally, actually Googling ‘American hero’ yields results for the TV show The Greatest American Hero, Ronald Reagan, and of course, G.I. Joe).

Aside from repeatedly calling Chestnut an American hero — even before the contest was over — and referring to his triumph as the greatest moment in the history of American sport, the announcers really kept things in perspective. But it was all part of the extravaganza, and as Joey Chestnut stood there smiling and sweating, stomach roiling, draped in our flag and basking in the adoration, I couldn’t help but find the whole thing uniquely, absurdly, and comically liberating.

The Best of the Quotes (November through February)

03/7/2008, 7:00 am -- by | No Comments

November 2, 2007: “There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.” — S. Clemens

December 3, 2007: “Freedom must constantly be won over for the cause of good. Free assent to the good never exists simply by itself. If there were structures which could irrevocably guarantee a determined — good — state of the world, man’s freedom would be denied, and hence they would not be good structures at all.” — Pope Benedict XVI

December 19, 2007: “The Church does not superstitiously observe days, merely as days, but as memorials of important facts. Christmas might be kept as well upon one day of the year as another; but there should be a stated day for commemorating the birth of our Saviour, because there is danger that what may be done on any day, will be neglected.” — S. Johnson

January 29, 2008: “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.” — G.K. Chesterton

February 8, 2008: “One thousand moustaches can live together, but not four breasts.” — Hindu proverb

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