Quote of the Day, 3/15/07

03/15/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“Rock journalism is people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk, for people who can’t read.” – F. Zappa

Rant

03/14/2007, 1:36 pm -- by Tom | 4 Comments

Tom is away at a job interview today, so we present a post from the Best of Tom, originally written on January 13, 2006.

The Defense Department recently gave $50,000 to Wellesley College’s Centers for Women to advise the Pentagon on developing “a victim’s advocacy office for military women who have suffered sexual assault or harassment.” We’ll get to the name later. This all seems innocuous, a way for those in power to protect and empower our nation’s bravest women. It. Is. Not. Specifically nocuous is the inclusion of the word “harassment.” And I’ll tell you why.

Women often like feeling bad. Paying to watch a sad movie to feel sad, wearing uncomfortable shoes, picking fights — these are good examples of women actively seeking discomfort. Another is choosing to become offended with people, things, actions, and phrases.

One example under the present system was the case of Lt. Bryan D. Black, U.S. Naval Academy faculty member. Twice he spoke crudely and out of turn: once about his excitement at boarding a battleship, the other about his ex-wife. The first comment was made to a group of people that included a female, but the second was said only within earshot of a female. Now the woman who complained received an apology from Black, and Lt. Black received a letter of reprimand and counseling, so the initial investigating officer felt that was adequate punishment for the ‘crime.’

Enter initial female’s female superior, Lt. Commander Michelle Whisenhunt. She heard of the matter and launched her own investigation. She conducted extensive interviews, really did her homework, but she forgot there are two genders in the military, and so only interviewed women. Black wound up court-martialed, charged with three crimes: failure to obey a lawful general order or regulation, conduct unbecoming an officer, and indecent language.

Now, something a little more close to home, but regrettably more vague.

Scene – my bedroom, Tom sitting at desk.

Ted enters room, steps over piles of refuse, notices stuffed microbe on desk, theorizes as to other disease-causing micro-organisms Tom might own in plush form.

Ted – “I wish you had the AIDS virus.”

Tom immediately places out-of-context quote in away message.

–fin–

An out-of-context quote can be comedic dynamite in the proper forum. In theory, the reader should take a look and think, “Surely, someone cannot wish a fate as horrible as HIV infection on old Tom!” The reader should then chuckle to him or herself for several moments, then return to a hawklike vigil over Tom’s away message status.

But this scenario did not come to fruition in every case. One particular time, a woman read it and SERIOUSLY thought, “That’s offensive. Babies in Africa have their parents die from AIDS, yet Tom is using a humorous out-of-context quote about it to bring a little ray of sunshine to the dreary existence of his readers. What a jerk!”

Were I in the military, I’d have two Marines knocking on my door in the morning to drag me off to the brig. You may think these scenarios aren’t connected. But I doubt those brave sailors were any less offended, short-term, than this girl was.

The name of that advocacy group I mentioned earlier? Naturally, it’s the Office of Victim Advocacy. Men in the military, beware! If you aren’t lockstep politically correct, it’s to the dungeons of OVA for you. And if that happens, may God have mercy on your soul.

That is, if She’s not already offended with you.

Bible Discussion: Genesis 5-9

03/14/2007, 9:00 am -- by Steve | 12 Comments

This week, Bweinh.com looks at the next five chapters of the Bible, Genesis 5-9.

Read our take on Genesis 1-4 here!

INTRODUCTION:
Steve:
We start with a genealogy where thousands of years pass and countless sons and daughters are born, live, and die without being introduced to us. And then we see, perhaps, the reason why: wickedness has expanded upon the earth, and God can no longer suffer such a perverse world to continue. In a way, these five chapters are a microcosm of the entirety of human history. So many wasted lives, so much gone wrong, yet always abiding, the hope of redemption. Here, an ark. Soon, a cross.

Job:
They say most cultures have a flood narrative as part of their cultural tapestry — Greek, Germanic, Asian, Incan, etc., all have Great Flood stories as part of their heritage. While most of these stories explain the Earth was flooded because of an angry deity, they fail to explain why that Deity was upset with the detail and character development of this passage.

Continued here!

Joke of the Day, 3/14/07

03/14/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | 3 Comments

Three samurai met to determine who was the greatest swordsman.

The judge approached the first and opened a small box. Out came a fly. The samurai’s sword flashed and the fly fell to the ground, neatly divided in two. “Very impressive,” said the judge.

The judge did the same in front of the second samurai. His sword flashed twice and the fly fell, split into four sections. “Superb!,” exclaimed the judge.

Finally it was the third samurai’s turn. The judge opened another box and a fly buzzed out. His sword flew through the air and the fly continued on its path. The third samurai put away his sword with satisfaction.

“But the fly is alive,” observed the judge.

“This is true,” replied the samurai. “But he will never have children.”

Dispatches From the Future

03/13/2007, 3:00 pm -- by Djere | 3 Comments

How? I don’t know. Such things are beyond my understanding. How does any one of us deserve a second chance? But a second chance even before a mistake has been made… a path has been followed? What have I done to deserve a second chance, years before these gears have been set into motion?

Spring to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Year after year, winter gives way to spring and the cycle is perpetuated. Backing into my driveway after work, I noticed the silver gleam of a metal box wedged into the snowbank across the road at Maxon Corners.

I took the box into the kitchen to examine it more closely, the child in me still hoping to find a treasure map or kryptonite. Imagine my surprise to find a letter addressed to me.

The paper was foreign to me. Nothing you’d find in a store. It was rough-hewn, of uneven thickness, and a non-standard size. The fibers were thick and visible pieces of hair, straw, and fabric felt rough in my hand.

The paper was deeply creased in quarters. I unfolded the letter and began to read.

Dear Djere,

The number you’re thinking of is 13, your social security number is XXX-XX-XXXX, and more than anything else, you want to retire to Baja California and live out your days in the sun.

I was taken aback. I looked up and around the kitchen, scanning for hidden cameras, microphones… anything that could have been giving away my secrets. But there was nothing. I turned back to the letter.

No, Djere, you are not under surveillance. I know these things because you know these things. Greetings from year A.Y. 27.

My name is Djere Maxon, and in this box — in the letters that will appear for you — is our story. These are my dispatches from the future.

NCAA Tournament Pool

03/13/2007, 2:40 pm -- by Steve | 3 Comments

All contributors and readers of bweinh.com are invited to go join our NCAA Tournament group, hosted at espn.com!

The deadline for submitting your picks is Thursday at noon!

Rifling through my envelope…

03/13/2007, 1:11 pm -- by Job Tate | 1 Comment

I have an envelope, legal-sized, that I keep tucked inside my dictionary. I call it my intellectual cryo-chamber and it’s filled with articles from various publications, regarding topics I couldn’t reach a conclusion about when I first read them. I “freeze” these articles Ted Williams-style for future Job, hoping he will have developed the mental technology to make some determination about the subject matter. I went through that envelope last night.

7/12/05 — Northwestern U. women’s lacrosse team makes headlines when many players wear flip flops to a formal White House function.

I remember reading this article and feeling so very and unusually unsure about its implication. The President’s smile seems to be one of the more impromptu, wide and genuine of any of his photographed grins. The man is beaming. But as a Vermont Republican just beginning to sense what a beating he would endure the final three years of his presidency, I felt some resentment that the President was perhaps being subtly, even subconsciously, slighted in his own residence. Despite how relaxed he looked, I felt like maybe I should feel indignant on his behalf? Needless to say, the article, cut out and folded twice, went into my envelope.

So when I unfolded it again, almost two years later, I looked at the photo and re-read the article, checking its pulse for something new in the light of what’s happened since. All I see now is that same President, not easily offended, and a constituency relaxed in his presence. I see grace and good humor. I see an America I enjoy living in.

What I don’t see are the articles that joined it in the same publication — articles that could have been printed alongside, reporting in detail on the Cindy Sheehan saga, or perhaps Hugo Chavez’s many bellicose statements. Articles which never mentioned how grossly inappropriate either person’s behavior was towards the leader of the free world.

The media invented dismay over the most frivolous of things, while the office and our country was antagonized by true threats. I folded the article again, twice, and threw it away — embarrassed that I once considered being offended by something as benign as a comfortable pair of sandals.

Clash of the Titans IV: Coke and Pepsi

03/13/2007, 12:00 pm -- by Steve | 7 Comments

In this corner, arguing for Diet Pepsi, we have Job!

And in this corner, arguing for Diet Coke, is Josh T!

Diet Coke kilt my Pa. Don’t try and tell me he didn’t, eder, cuz I seen it wid my own eyes, I didz. I wuz down by da barn ‘n Coke Classic come ridin’ in wid his gang. Sprite was dere, dat Meller Yeller feller, Barq’s, Vault, and of course Coke’s boy Diet Coke.

Dat’s da one dat kilt my Pa, like he wud a lab rat drinkin’ a sample of Diet Coke, which has been blamed by some medical professionals for causing serious illnesses like brain tumors, brain lesions, and lymphoma. I done hid behind a bush, I didz. I didn’t want me no brain lesions.

“Dis is refreshment!” Diet Coke said as he done sauntered over ta da door. “Come on out! I know you’re in dere drinking Diet Pepsi, which has been around almost 20 years longer than me and is far more crisp and light, packing a powerful punch of persuasive flavor without leaving a depressing aftertaste like I do.”

My Pa done showed his face at dat time, smiling ear to ear. “Don’t smile so wide, Pa,” I muttered ta myselves ‘tween my teeth. But I knows he couldn’t help it. Diet Pepsi alwez made my Pa smile. Heck, it makes eve’yone smile, if’n they drink it.

“Youz wrong, son,” my Pa bravely sez. “I ain’t drinkin’ Diet Pepsi. I be drinkin’ Diet Pepsi wid a Twist — one of the many taste innovations Diet Pepsi introduces regularly to bring me the best in flavor, innovations you copy widdin 2 or 3 months of deir debut.”

Vault got real agitated-like den, and he threaten to blow his fizz. But my Pa was real cool, an’ he suggested Vault relax his li’l knock-off version down ‘fore Pa called Ol’ Mountain Dew to fix ‘im right proper. But dat seemed to make Vault even more worked up. “Just for the taste of it!,” Diet Coke sez. “This here’s a Coke valley. We either gon’ run yo’ kind out or learn you to take to drinkin’ from our trough, un’erstand?”

My Pa stop, he did, and looked hisself up and dern da valley. Den he brought da Diet Pepsi to his lips, took a big long draw off’n it, den held it out to Diet Coke and sez, “Want some?” Diet Coke’s eyes went ablaze en dare wuz a eerie quiet. Den Pa sez, “Don’t worry. I don’t backwash.” Dat’s when Coke Classic and his gang done went tru da roof. But my Pa wuz jest laughin. Then he sez, “Run along, you little girl of a cola, go cry into your Shasta. This here’s a Pepsi valley. My Pa drank Pepsi in this valley and my boy’ll do da same, long after I’m dead.”

Den da whole valley seem to shake with my Pa’s final thunderous words. “I’ll tell you one last time, you donatin-to-democrats son of a motherless goat: my family don’t drink your creekwater and we never will, hear? Kiss my Aspartame!”

Don’t tell me Diet Coke didn’t kill my Pa. I seen it wid my own two eyes.

Diet Coke is the number-one selling diet soda in the world, and the third-highest selling soda of any variety behind Coca Cola and Pepsi. In fact, last year, almost one out of every ten sodas sold in the United States was a Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi lags far behind Diet Coke in overall sales, and ranks sixth in a list of most popular sodas in the United States.

That is the basic substance of my argument. Simply put — more people drink Diet Coke than Diet Pepsi. They are sold in roughly the same number of countries, and enjoy roughly the same amount of shelf space, but Diet Coke consistently outsells its rival.

I would be foolish to say someone is wrong for enjoying a Diet Pepsi more than a Diet Coke. After all, a person’s tastes are their own. But a Diet Pepsi drinker must admit their minority status and concede the majority of diet beverage consumers prefer Diet Coke. That’s not debatable; it’s simple mathematics.

Now that we’ve established Diet Coke is the most preferred diet beverage, we must ask why. Why does Diet Coke outsell Diet Pepsi? I’m sure marketing strategies play into it, but I also believe Diet Coke is fundamentally a superior product. To an unpracticed palate, the difference between the two is negligible, but to a diet soda connoisseur like myself, there is a remarkable difference. Diet Coke has a subtle hint of cinnamon, as well as a sparkle and zing that is lacking in the bland Diet Pepsi.

There’s nothing like sitting outside a restaurant in the desert drinking Diet Coke with ice, or driving down the freeway with a Diet Coke in the cup holder. Diet Pepsi just isn’t the same. It lacks something.

Maybe flavor.

If you like Diet Pepsi, fine. I doubt I will change your mind, but at least admit you don’t represent the majority of consumers. Pepsi may be the choice of the next generation, but sure as heck isn’t preferred by this one. This generation prefers the real thing — it prefers Diet Coke.

{democracy:6}

Quote of the Day, 3/13/07

03/13/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

“Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.” – J. Ciardi

Snoop Dogg Arrested, Only One Woman In Car

03/12/2007, 1:51 pm -- by Steve | 1 Comment

-STOCKHOLM, Sweden

The entertainment world was rocked today by the news that when rapper Snoop Dogg was arrested last night on suspicion of using illegal narcotics, he was apparently accompanied by only one female companion.

“I’m in shock right now,” said Dogg’s longtime collaborator and opthamologist Dr. Dre, currently vacationing on Malta. “A homie like Snoop, in Sweden? He oughta be rollin’ with five or six Nordic ******* in the back of his drop-top Benz!”

“****,” Dre added.

Reaction from Dogg’s fans on this side of the Atlantic was similar.

“I knew he had admitted it was getting ‘kinda hard’ to be Snoop D-O-double G, but this is ridiculous! Is his mind still on his money? Is money still even on his mind?,” asked Reggie Thues, a Long Island day trader.

Dogg had performed in Stockholm with P. Diddy on the evening of his arrest, and the latest Hollywood buzz suggests that Dogg was simply too exhausted from the show and his post-concert recreational drug use to put his best efforts toward “big pimpin’.”

“Maybe all Snoop can settle for now is light to moderate pimpin’,” said Anna Bronson, media relations specialist for a multinational corporation in Ponoma. “Don’t get me wrong; moderate pimpin’s still good. But big pimpin’s better. At least I think so.”

Reports from the Stockholm police suggest Dogg still deserves high marks for “drop[pin’] it like it’s hot,” being at all times “off the heezy,” and invoking his “right to remain silent.”

Ask Bweinh! Poll — Books of the Bible

03/12/2007, 11:15 am -- by Steve | 4 Comments

Monday’s Ask Bweinh! poll is brought to you by our friends and neighbors at State Farm, who remind you that you’re in good hands with Allstate.

Today, we’ll rank our favorite books of the Bible. Not a lot of consensus here…

Rank	Book	Points
1.	I Corinthians	8
2-3 (tie)	Romans, James	6
4-6 (tie)	Ecclesiastes, Matthew, Psalms	5
7-11 (tie)	Ephesians, Mark, Colossians, Genesis, Isaiah	4
Other	Ruth, 2 John, Hosea, Luke, 3 John, Hebrews, 2 Peter	1-3

Joke of the Day, 3/12/07

03/12/2007, 7:00 am -- by Steve | 2 Comments

Why don’t Italians like Jehovah’s Witnesses?

They don’t like any witnesses.

After ‘Invisible Man’ by Ralph Ellison, the Prologue 1999-2000 — by Jeff Wall

03/10/2007, 1:11 pm -- by Job Tate | No Comments

When it comes to art, I usually don’t get out of bed for anything less than Norman Rockwell or a new U2 album. This is not a criticism of art, but rather a criticism of me, for not being able to absorb it well enough. Most art simply doesn’t move me.

But I am captivated, singularly, by this work of Jeff Wall, a man who combines photography with theatre and oftentimes literature. I took the following description of the image (below) from the Tate Modern website (no relation). I have already invested a good many minutes staring at it, planning to budget a good many more to it in the future.

Ralph Ellison’s 1952 novel Invisible Man centers on a black man who, during a street riot, falls into a forgotten room in the cellar of a large apartment building in New York and decides to stay there, living hidden away. The novel begins with a description of the protagonist’s subterranean home, emphasizing the ceiling covered with 1,369 illegally connected light bulbs. There is a parallel between the place of light in the novel and Wall’s own photographic practice. Ellison’s character declares: ‘Without light I am not only invisible, but formless as well.’ Wall’s use of a light source behind his pictures is a way of bringing his own ‘invisible’ subjects to the fore, so giving form to the overlooked in society.

Clash of the Titans III: Planned Dwarfism

03/9/2007, 1:50 pm -- by Steve | No Comments

In this corner, arguing to restrict the size of humanity, we have Josh T!

And in this corner, arguing that we’re fine the way we are, is Djere!

“In the beginning you laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you will endure; yes, they will all grow old like a garment; like a cloak you will change them, and they will be discarded.” Psalm 102:25-26

From the day Noah stepped off the ark until the birth of Christ, the earth’s population rose to 300 million. In the centuries after Christ, the population continued to rise until 1804, when the world’s population first topped one billion. Now improvements in technology, coupled with a higher standard of living and sanitary lifestyles, have brought about a surge in population growth. By 1927, the world’s population reached two billion, and today we have exceeded six billion. It took only twelve years to make the jump from five to six billion, and now 78 million people are added to the world’s population annually. That’s like adding a new France, Sweden and Greece each year, or a Philadelphia every week.

One-tenth of all the people who have ever walked the face of the earth are alive today, and the lusty inhabitants of our fair planet show no sign of letting up. Some scientists optimistically estimate our population will stabilize just shy of ten billion around 2080. But others pessimistically hint that even with decreased fertility rates, it may be too late by then. So what are we to do?

I have discovered a possible solution to what many perceive as an imminent overpopulation crisis. I will outline a clear and precise plan of action, which, if followed, will postpone any worries of overpopulation for generations to come. I propose nothing less than that we dwarf an entire generation, and continue to dwarf successive generations, through manipulation of the human growth hormone.

Read (much) more here!

Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it [using all its vast resources in the service of God and man]; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and over every living creature that moves upon the earth.'”

From the beginning of time, our Father above has had an eternal plan for you and for me. And though sin entered the world through the seed of man, that plan has not changed. God desires for mankind to fill the earth. There are some biblical prophecies that are hotly contested: the Antichrist, Christ’s triumphant entrance into Jerusalem, the destruction of the temple… but this is nothing to squabble over. This is our future, our calling, and our destiny.

While I sincerely agree with the methods used by the A.P.D., their aim is all wrong. Rather than to shrink back from the blessed light of the Will of God, we should run towards it, arms open wide to embrace our calling as giants in the land of men.

Life in the Garden of Eden was as close to perfection as can be attained on earth. Genesis teaches us that after the fall of Adam and Eve, the “sons of God” married the “daughters of men,” creating who? The Giants of old, men of renown. As the Israelites entered the
Promised Land, they not only found those ‘giants of old,’ but enormous produce: grapes the size of cattle, etc.

Using the gifts and technology God has given us, restoring what was lost in the garden is not far off. We can already grow 200 pound watermelons and 1000 pound pumpkins. Our NBA stars routinely top 7 feet tall. We must press on, for the sky truly is the limit.

Our future in heaven will not be a short one; neither should our time on earth. As the Lord commanded, we must fill the earth and subdue it… by being as large, powerful, and tall as possible.

{democracy:5}

Listen Up!

03/9/2007, 10:30 am -- by Josh J | 5 Comments

When I was growing up, I was fascinated by commercials. I have little doubt that if the Lord hadn’t called me into ministry I would have studied advertising. Even now, I like to break it down, analyzing the techniques and messages.

I have a bit of a soft spot for the “Not available in stores!” approach to television advertising. With its cornball acting, too good to be true design, call in the next five minutes ultimatum, and $X.99 price (but wait, there’s more!), it’s a tried and true formula for hundreds of products, none of which I have ever seen in anyone’s home.

Today I want to take a look at a product I just recently discovered: the Listen Up! personal sound amplifier. It promises to “turn ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing.” Basically, it appears to be a microphone shaped like an iPod.

Why would you want such a product? For one, it’s “so powerful, you can hear a pin drop from across the room!” Of course, depending on the surface, you may already be able to do that on your own — and that’s not a very coveted ability anyway.

But the Listen Up! does have a wide array of desirable and legitimate purposes, like if you wanted to watch TV with the volume down after your spouse was already asleep: very considerate. Or if you needed a little help hearing the pastor’s sermon: very pious. Or if you were trying to get a keener experience from your nature walks: very serene. Or if you wanted to listen in on people’s private conversations from across a crowded room: very creepy.

I couldn’t believe this last point was being used as a serious sales technique, even if the manufacturers anticipated that interest in the product would tend toward the sinister. First off, strictly from a credibility standpoint, I’m a bit dubious that $14.99 (but wait, there’s more!) is enough to get you the kind of parabolic technology you’d need to focus on one particular voice in a room full of noise. But more importantly, I can’t believe a company would acknowledge, let alone endorse, this antisocial use of their product.

So the next time you look across the room at the guy in ear buds you assume is rocking out, remember: he just might be a low-budget spy wondering why the entire room is so loud.

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