History in Making

12/8/2007, 2:21 am -- by Djere | 7 Comments

I may have made history on my lunch break today.

I spent my hour of personal freedom emailing each of the major presidential campaigns with an identical question. I will share the question now, but I’ll wait to see how many replies I get before sharing the candidates’ OFFICIAL opinions.

Jeremiah Maxon wrote:

Subject: Question on an Issue

To Whom it May Concern:

There are many who are convinced that Zombies are the most convincing threat to national security. Where does your candidate stand on the issue of Zombies?

Sincerely,

Jeremiah Maxon
bweinh.com

This could be the best election year EVER!

New Dan Brown Novel Asserts Jesus was Just Feeding His ‘Network’

12/3/2007, 10:38 pm -- by Job Tate | 2 Comments

In a controversial follow-up to the best-selling The Da Vinci Code, author Dan Brown will assert that Jesus Christ was merely “feeding His network” when he reportedly fed 5,000 people at one time in Galilee, circa 30 A.D.

Brown recently appeared on Larry King Live to discuss his new book, Jesus Crisis, and Brown’s main theory that Jesus was a loyal Verizon Wireless customer who would have been a challenge to the network, requiring them to traverse rough terrain and savage deserts. Having to feed His network would’ve logically been a subsequent trial.

Brown pointed to the passage in Matthew 14 where Jesus was said to feed 5,000 with just a few loaves of bread and two fish, then noted that just a chapter later, Jesus fed only 4,000. “Obviously,” Brown told King, “He was in a place with poorer reception.”

The new book also alludes to the “Bill of Turin,” which apparently shows incontrovertibly that Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a “family plan.”

Clash of the Titans LVII: Job Tate’s Existence

10/31/2007, 9:00 am -- by Bweinh | 12 Comments

In this corner, believing in Job, is Josh!

And in this corner, doubting him, is MC-B!

It is a question that has troubled philosophers throughout the ages. Is Job a real person, or is he merely some sort of literary device — a real man with real adventures or just an allegory, meant to teach us a lesson?

This could be simultaneously the hardest and easiest clash I’ve ever had to write. I know Job personally, and have seen him many times (albeit not as many times or places as he would have indicated). So I’m convinced. But for the benefit of the rest of you, let’s consider the evidence before us.

First off we have a rather large sampling of writings to reference. While “Job Tate” could conceivably be some kind of pseudonym, the writing has a very distinct style and voice. These writings also mention many places, dates and individuals, seemingly too many details to be faked.

Second, we have photographic evidence. While many people on the Internet use phony photos to deceive others, this is usually done to upgrade their attractiveness. I don’t see how that could possibly be the case here.

Finally, we have eyewitness accounts. While you may not know Job, you may very well know and trust someone who does. Steve, Tom, Djere, Mike, Connie, and myself are just a sampling of those associated with Bweinh! who could testify to Job’s existence.

Of course, even if you remain unconvinced, I think you’ll have to concede that the question of Job’s actual existence is not nearly as important as — nor does it in any way take away from — the truths we can learn from his tale.

I sometimes wish that I could be happily ignorant, believing with all my heart that somewhere out there in the ether a benevolent Job Tate watches all that goes on at Bweinh.com and smiles, but I cannot. I am too rationally-minded to put my faith in children’s fairy tales any longer.

It is said that a thousand monkeys typing at a thousand typewriters would, after a thousand years, reproduce the works of Shakespeare. For the so-called ‘Best of Job’ features, I’d give twenty monkeys a half-hour. In short, the order that we perceive in “Job’s” articles is nothing more than random chance that we choose to find order in. Sorry, Tatists.

Of course, there’s also graphical evidence of Job Tate’s existence. If this type of evidence suffices to prove the existence of an entity, then Job exists, as do Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Homer Simpson, and Erin E-surance. Our pantheon is growing by the day.

Finally, there are personal testimonials of what belief in Job has done for people all around the world. Sorry, guys, but anecdotal evidence won’t cause me to put my faith in a concept as ethereal and unreliable as Job Tate.

Belief in Job is a panacea that detracts from our ability to solve Bweinh’s problems through our own endeavors. I’m going to say it as clearly as I can: Job does not exist, he does not love you, and he is not returning someday on a white horse to double our readership and make me write articles again. If we desire these things, we must achieve them ourselves.

{democracy:157}

2007 World Prayer Champion Credits Surgery

10/25/2007, 9:00 am -- by Job Tate | 7 Comments

-LAS VEGAS, Nevada

Jerry “The Knees” Noble credited his unprecedented fourth consecutive World Prayer Championship to surgery, intercessory sources reported Monday. This marks the first time a WPC champion has singled out surgery — the art, practice, or work of treating diseases, injuries, or deformities through manual or operative procedures — as the key to victory.

“Surgery really brought this victory home for First Pres,” Noble remarked, referring to his sponsor church, First Presbyterian of Greater Houston. “A lot of the young kids came in here praying against natural disasters and for world peace. Not me. Surgery, even dental surgery, is always dangerous — and it’s my bread and butter.”

“It’s like the Protestant rosary,” Noble added, swigging a Gatorade.

Noble’s strategy seemed truly Heaven-sent in a year where great diversity in many contestants’ prayers led to scattered and disjointed petitions, broken up by repeated um’s and Dear Lord God’s — point killers, according to WPC Prayer Pontiff Evan Fielder.

“It’s awfully hard to change your pitches up mid-prayer,” Fielder reported. “We saw a lot of that this weekend, but the true veterans played it close to the vest.”

Surprisingly, this year’s Championship saw an unusually high number of stuttering penalties and “uneasy pauses,” even with an election campaign and two-front war going on.

“They got greedy,” explained Fielder. “Too much speaking in tongues, too many financial prayers and way too much of the Middle East. I understand the lure of the high degree of difficulty, but simple is best. And simple, my friends, is surgery.”

Meanwhile, Noble insists he won’t stop at four championships.

“As long as people keep getting sick and cancer goes uncured, I’ll keep coming back to get another W for my congregation. It’s like shootin’ Jesus fish in a barrel.”

Local Car Commercials

10/19/2007, 10:00 am -- by Djere | 2 Comments

I’d forgotten why I don’t watch local news anymore.

It’s not the quality or nature of the broadcasts — it’s the car commercials.

And it’s not the quality or nature of the commercials – all those liars have the same thing to say. It’s how they say it.

“Hi folks, it’s Tom Parks’ here…”

It’s how HE says it.

Though I’ve never met the man, I’d have no qualms about putting a boot through his face.

And I think that when I go back to work after lunch, I’m going to invent a new word.

Billy, you’re HUGE-tarded.

101-Year-Old Woman Demands to Speak to President Roosevelt About Son’s WWII Death

10/16/2007, 10:30 am -- by Job Tate | No Comments

Best of Job, August 2006.

Vera Carter renewed her request Friday to speak to President Roosevelt about the death of her son, Private Hank Carter, a paratrooper who died on D-Day: June 6th, 1944.

“I want to speak to Mr. Roosevelt directly about Harold’s death fighting a rapidly-spreading fascist ideology that demands the violent annihilation of certain races and religions from the face of the planet,” Carter told reporters from her campsite across from Roosevelt’s Hyde Park home, where our 32nd President has been buried since 1945.

“I will not rest until I can tell him how annoyed I am that he had the guts to stand up to much of the world when it suggested that the mass ignorance that fueled Nazism should be left unchallenged and unchecked — and that he actually went ahead and did something about it.”

Vera went on to say that she thinks FDR probably knew about the Pearl Harbor bombing in advance, but allowed it to happen anyway, to give him an excuse to draft 16 million American men and fling them into a pan-global war to fill the pockets of his ~~oil~~ lawyer cronies.

Criss Angel, Mindfreak, Wins Nobel Prize in Physics

10/12/2007, 11:00 am -- by Steve | No Comments

–STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP)

Citing his entertaining videos, his unmatched experimental results, and his complete triumph over all known scientific principles, the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences has awarded the 2007 Nobel Prize for Physics to noted illusionist and raconteur, the creepy-looking Criss Angel, Mindfreak.

“Any old physicist can elucidate the quantum structure of electroweak interactions, as Gerardus ‘t Hooft did in 1999, or discover asymptotic freedom in the theory of the strong interaction, like Gross, Politzer, and Wilczek in 2004. Such things are to be expected,” announced Professor Gunnar Ã–quist, Secretary-General of the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences.

“But Mr. Angel, Mindfreak, levitated, walked through a pane of glass, and made millions aware of the amazing immunity of toothpicks from the laws of physics,” Ã–quist continued, stopping frequently to scratch his head and stare in wonder at the twitching, unshaven magician.

“Through his poorly-watched, critically panned television show, Mr. Angel, Mindfreak, is probably the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the field of physics. And that’s what matters to the committee. Not hard science, not results — slickly produced, factually questionable videos are what we want!”

Angel, Mindfreak, plans to use his multi-million dollar prize to finish his crowning achievement — a trick that will make his audience completely disappear.

The Procrasta’ Masta

10/3/2007, 2:30 pm -- by Job Tate | 1 Comment

Best of Job, June 2006.

I’ve been dedicated lately to securing the best possible choice for the next stage of my life. I thought I was done with Residence Life, but have felt attracted lately to pursuing another dorm. I’ve also dwelt on the idea of working for the government, perhaps even the United States Army.

It’s been oddly stressful. Perhaps I feel like I’m out of dispensable years and might have to begin envisioning myself as a 40-year-old man, and what all of that will mean.

But when I do…whiskey oscar whiskey, the choke sets in. Poor 40-year-old Jobie.

I can see him there, cursing a blue streak, wishing to heaven he could grab my collar and talk some sense into me. “You worked for an airline for 2 years after college, knowing full well it wasn’t the career you wanted??!!”

What a Dickensian horror that would be — to have myself, in senior, drop in on me. He’d be a little hesitant and careful with his words, probably, seeing me and realizing how much I was enjoying my life at 26. Sentimental, reminiscent. But he’d choke up eventually, put a hand through his thinning hair, and would perhaps beg me, plead with me to get on with things. At 40, crossing his fingers on blistered hands, as he did at 20.

I would feel sympathetic and place a hand on this shoulder. I would tell him I would get on with things, I’d find him a wife and a job with benefits. I would buckle down. I would suck it up. “I am so sorry, old friend,” I’d say. “The past few years must’ve been so hard on you.”

It’d be a hug fest, a cry fest and I would inquire about my family and what has become. Bowden and Obadiah knock ’em dead, don’t they? And while we’re there wiping tears from our eyes, and I’m continuing on with my apologies and promises…

In drops 80-year-old Jobie, a tight line for lips.

One firm punch to 40-year-old Jobie’s jaw, and he turns to face me, hands on my shoulders…

“You’re doing just fine. You think I want his memories right now? You think I want his dang wife hounding me about my pills??”

He stands on 40 year old Jobie’s hand, grinding it into the ground.

“No sirree, Bob. You’re doing just fine.”

At the Movies

09/25/2007, 11:00 am -- by Job Tate | 1 Comment

Best of Job, May 2006

in the theatre

across from me
3 guys
2 girls
they sit: guy girl guy girl guy

i enjoy mission: impossible 3
generally speaking
i am brave
and admit
i usually enjoy tom cruise movies
speaking generally
but i take long draw from straw
lull in movie

i try
to find out
which of the guys is the loser
as if the soda will supply the answer

which guy is the loser
which guy is the fifth wheel

my straw begins to suck air
movie picks up speed again
but i know

it is guy girl guy girl guy

movie reaches fevered pitch
hollywood flexes its muscles

should i go get free refill?
will i miss anything good?
better not
many important plot twists
cruise might inexplicably start running again
wouldn’t want to miss that
and i’m there alone
no one to brief me with synopsis upon return

then it dawns on me
despite explosions, theatre quiet

it is me

i am loser

chair chair chair guy chair

Dateline: 2112, Washington, DC

09/14/2007, 9:45 am -- by David | 2 Comments

President James Dobson IV today addressed a group of reporters about his ascension to the Presidency as the first Executor in the New Christian Era. Below are a few excerpts from his remarks.

How does this feel and did you ever imagine yourself being in this position?

Honestly, it feels great. Getting the Constitutional amendment passed to actually have the United States declared a Christian nation was a hard fought battle. We Christians in America have a lot to thank God for.

What will your first 100 days look like?

Our main focus will be giving the “Blue Laws Bill” more teeth. Right now Tithe Evasion, Sabbath Breaking and Unregistered Church Attendance are all still misdemeanors. It’s clear we need to make those things felonies to get the attention of some folks. Make no mistake — we’re not going after the guy who misses Sunday School with a cold or something — but we have people out there who haven’t been to Church in years, yet they get a 10-day jail sentence and they’re right back walking the streets again on Sunday morning. That has to stop.”

Will there be allowances for unregistered church attendance?

People have 12 registered denominational alliances representing 83,750 individual houses of worship scattered among the 52 states. They have plenty of choices without going underground.

Will you be taking on the NFL during your term?

Yes, the Sports-Entertainment Exemption Act is something we will examine closely. Everyone knows Sunday is the Sabbath. Letting big corporations skirt the issue is just hypocritical. When a kid can’t play a pick-up game in his yard on Sunday, why can rich owners flaunt the law and parade their teams around on national television?

What about the recent arrest of Senator Hagee in a Teleport restroom?

It’s disappointing. He is a direct descendant of one of the original signers of the Christian Manifesto II, and a Republican in good standing. I’m trying not to jump to conclusions, but if he wasn’t speaking in tongues in that stall, why did he plead guilty to Religious Misconduct? To make it go away? It looks bad.

Will you be reaching out to the Catholics?

Next question.

What about the “Seventh Day Question”?

*pausing, rustling of papers, whispered exchange with aide* Uh, most of the internment camps have been closed: *more hurried whispers* :.some of the camps have been closed: *confused noises* :it’s something we will have to look into and I’m not really prepared to answer that at this time. Let me say say this, they call themselves Christians, they live in a Christian nation, yet they are persistent in their opposition to observing the Sabbath on the right day. What more can I say?

Thank you gentlemen!

Note: I started writing this article on Tuesday, then on Wednesday I saw in USA TODAY that 55% of US citizens think the Constitution establishes a Christian nation. The percentage soars to 75% among those who identify themselves as evangelicals or Republicans. A Christian nation? Based on whose brand of Christianity? And what of dissenters? Hmmm:.

Youth Pastor Forced To Put Training Wheels On Mountain Bike

09/11/2007, 1:45 pm -- by Job Tate | No Comments

Best of Job, April 2006.

Local youth worker Tony “The Tiger” Reynolds was ceremoniously forced to put training wheels on his mountain bike Friday, after Pastor Paul caught him delivering a message to the youth group from the apocryphal book of Tobias.

“Tony, you’ve got to stop doing stuff like this,” Pastor Paul scolded Reynolds. “Until you can prove to me that you know which books are divinely inspired and which are heretical, the Board and I have decided to make you ride your bike around with training wheels.”

“Surely this punishment is more than I can bear!,” Tony lamented.

“But surely you prefer it to working the fryer down at Tasty Burger,” Pastor Paul coldly responded.

This step is seen as the most severe by the Board in its dealings with the enthusiastic youth pastor, approached only by the time they forced Reynolds to cut his hair after he told several people in the congregation that “time travel” was the coolest spiritual gift.

“It’s complicated,” explained church elder Roy Mentack. “You can’t just spray him with a water bottle like a cat.”

“Hmm… A water bottle,” Mentack added quietly.

Meanwhile, Tony was attaching the training wheels to his Cannondale bike behind the Youth Lodge. “Yes, this is a great trial set before me, but I am ready to overcome. I now know what it must’ve been like for Judas Maccabeus, and how he felt when he had to fight the Hellenistic oppressors we read about in II Maccabees.”

I Win

09/11/2007, 8:45 am -- by Job Tate | No Comments

Best of Job, April 2006.

Pull up alongside another Jeep Wrangler at the Strong’s Ave intersection.

Turn down music.

Passenger in Jeep eating fries.

Me: “Can I get in on some of that?”

I get in on some of that.

My Shakespearean Evening (A Tragedy in 3 Parts)

09/7/2007, 10:15 am -- by David | 6 Comments

Act 1
Ian, the son-in-law, emerges from the basement hovel he and his wife Rachel call home. David, the cruel father-in-law, is engrossed in online euchre while the matron Debbie watches Sci-Fi on TV.

Ian: “Father-in-law, if a moment can be spared, methinks perhaps thou shouldst descend with me the carpeted stair, and read in mine eyes the gathering despair.”

David: “Forsooth! Say not despair my son!” (Aside to audience) “Unless thou speakest of the disruption of my card game with some trinket of trouble, such as thou art always quick to bring!” (To Ian) “What aileth thee, boy?”

Ian: “Water once again, through yonder wall of pine, doth break with vehemence upon our humble goods.”

David: “What new mischief is this? Have we not patched the very foundations of the house? Have we not vanquished the rats and mice that chewed through the water lines on the dishwasher and refrigerator? Hath not Roto Rooter valiantly unstopped the drains for the accursed washing machine that plagued us sorely?” (Aside to audience) “Perhaps it is but a tale told by an idiot!”

Act 2
The two descend into the basement to move furniture and soaked boxes of household goods, finally uncovering the trouble spot. David knowingly explains that although the water is on the opposite side of the room from all the previous trouble, it is most likely because the floor is not level, and the water has come through the foundation again at the same spot, but has run down to the other corner.

Ian: “Good father, thou knowest all, and loathe am I to question such a venerable gray head as thine, but what meaneth then the tepid quality of this dastardly deluge?”

David: (stooping to feel the water) “Indeed it is of a higher temperature than shouldst be met in such circumstances. Almost hot it is! What vile perplexion hath now bedeviled me in what should be the twilight of my evening?”

Act 3
David and Ian make their way through a junk-filled dirt floor basement abutting the finished plot that has fallen to Ian and Rachel as their humble abode. Flashlights cut through the darkness and clouds of dust kicked up by their traversal of the dread domain. Presently a hot water heater is seen, spewing steam and liquid from its top, to run down the wall and soak the young lover’s lair.

Ian: “Father, trustest thou the judgment of a true son?”

David: “Aye.”

Ian: “It seemeth to me that yon heater hath burst its bounds and liketh the confines of its course no more than a river doth her banks in April. If thou wilt receive instruction from an idiot…” (Aside to audience) “The quality of thine own reasoning is the only thing strained in these parts, cur!” (To David) “:thou wilt not now abide long ere the sun rise before visiting Lowe’s and parting thyself from loads of cash.”

David: “Aye, good son.”

Clashers, Take Note!

09/6/2007, 9:07 am -- by MC-B | No Comments

Today is Cookie Monster Day here on Bweinh! (not really, but I was going to post this even before I saw what I was posting with today), so in honor of everyone’s favorite blue cookie-loving monster, I’ve decided to expose him as the true intellectual that he is. The following article has been culled from the internet (dot com!), specifically from Wikipedia’s Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense page.

C is for Cookie

C is for Cookie can be regarded as a case study in persuasive oratory, emphasizing the emotional aspect of public speaking. Cookie Monster builds excitement by answering his opening rhetorical question, “Now what starts with the letter C?” with the obvious reply, “Cookie starts with C!” He then challenges the audience, “Let’s think of other things that starts with C,” before quickly replying, “Oh, who cares about the other things?” casually dismissing a whole range of other possibilities as irrelevant. Thus, having ostensibly come for the purpose of covering the letter C in its entirety, Cookie Monster has already focused his agenda exclusively on cookies, employing the classic bait and switch tactic.

Several times in his presentation, Cookie Monster emphasizes what appears to be the central thesis of his remarks: “C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me!” The appealing rhythm of this slogan appears designed to entrance listeners, swaying their emotions and making them instinctively want to chant along with him. After rousing the crowd, Cookie Monster systematically lays out the logical underpinnings of his pro-cookie ideology, comparing cookies to round donuts with one bite out of them and to the moon during its crescent phase, in essence using a straw man argument that implies his opponents would advocate the superiority of these competitors over cookies. In this sense, Cookie Monster may be proposing a false dichotomy representing cookies as the only viable choice to a group of obviously inferior alternatives.

Before the audience has a chance to catch on, Cookie Monster launches into another round of repetitive chanting, “C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me, yeah!” as young children sing along. Here, Cookie Monster uses a propaganda technique strikingly similar to that employed in George Orwell’s Animal Farm by the pig Napoleon, who trained the farm’s sheep to bleat, “Four legs good, two legs bad” on his cue. Cookie Monster then adds visual stimulation to his discourse by chomping into a large cookie, concluding his remarks with “Umm-umm-umm-umm-umm” and other chewing sounds.

Cookie Monster, we hardly knew ye.

Labor Day my eye

09/3/2007, 7:54 pm -- by Djere | 1 Comment

Maybe those sissy unionists are taking the day off, but since they’re not here in the palacious bweinh.com boardroom, I’ll take this opportunity to tarnish their collective reputations.

Djere presents ‘Strange and Untrue Cutthroat Rumors!!‘

* Josh Jones let our love fern die. He is not to be trusted.
* Tom cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t remember the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Steve cries himself to sleep at night because he can’t forget the words to ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’
* Connie only loves one of her children. This humble reporter knows which one… do you?
* David only got into the copier business as a cover for his $2 bill counterfeiting ring.
* Until early this year, MC-B‘s facebook profile listed his religious affiliation as ‘Frisbyterian.’ Non-practicing, I’d bet…
* While the name ‘Michael Jordan’ may hint at his athletic talent, don’t be fooled. The movie ‘Glitter’ is loosely based on Mike‘s tumultuous teens.
* Job can neither swim nor tie knots. What kind of sailor is he, you ask? The Village People kind.
* Not only is Chloe Steve’s girlfriend, he’s the only one who can see her.